Everyone we know is holding us back. And we, in turn, are doing the same to them.
None of us thinks we’re doing that… but we are.
“I’d like to… but, my spouse / my family / my friends would never go for it.”
Every one of us has said it.
And it has been said about every one of us.
Warning: if you’re looking for rainbows and unicorns and stories about life being sustained by the power of love… you might wanna turn back now.
The Meta Show
Life’s a stage. We’re all merely bit players upon it.
I am playing at the lead in a musical I call ‘Tim’. In my musical the world is all about me. In fact, the world doesn’t even exist without me.
In my musical, everyone loves me. Even the people who hate me, love me. They just love me so much that it’s boiled over.
I’m witty. I get the best lines. Everyone wants me. And even when things don’t work out for me… that was Gods plan. Because… duh, even God is on my side.
Zoom out and you’ll see the arc of my story. I’m on the lookout for adventure, good food, beautiful women, great sex, freedom, peace, recognition, a beach bungalow (mountain cabin too), a grass tennis court at each, yearly trips to the Big Island… AND Buenos Aires, first edition Hemingway’s, the racket that Borg won his fifth Wimbledon with… (you get the picture)
The role I call “me” is an attempt to brand myself as a person who deserves all this stuff.
My parents, friends, and society taught me to hide the things about me that most frown on… (like crying when all Lightning McQueen’s friends show up and he wins the race) and to highlight the stuff society endorses… honesty, punctuality, work ethic… blah and more blah. In other words, “me” is short for meme.
The lodestars in my story are my parents, my wife, my kids and friends and colleagues. There are more, but these will do.
I place them into compartments, and define how they should behave… to my advantage, of course. (After all, it’s my musical)
I expect my parents to be proud of me. My wife to support me… (and praise me as a sex machine.) My children to be in awe of my intelligence, and accept me as a mentor. My friends to take as many bullets for me as necessary. And my colleagues to respect my acumen.
If they follow through on my expectations then I will reward them with my validation, support, and companionship. (Who could ask for anything more, right?)
Naturally, if they repeatedly misbehave, I will replace them.
Meanwhile, in their own lives, my parents often fantasize about how much better their lives would have been without me. My wife resents my constant need for her support. (She’s also growing tired of my grizzled old corpse. In fact, she may have designs on the new barista, who formerly worked with wild animals in Tasmania) My kids think I can’t find my own butt… with both hands. My friends are tired of me hiding behind them. And my colleagues think I’m off my freaking rocker.
A variation of this dynamic is at play in every life on earth. The name, race, gender, and environment may change, but the human remains the same.
What I fail to recognize is that all these people that I claim to care so deeply for are also playing at the lead in their plays.
They too are witty, perfect, charming, and loved by all. God is also on their side. (It sucks to find out that God isn’t as loyal as you thought it was.) They are willful, ambitious, and filled with fantasies that, somehow, have nothing to do with me.
They also expect me to behave as they wish.
My life is as peripheral to them as theirs is to mine.
In brutally simple terms: I don’t really know… I probably can’t really know, even those who are closest to me.
And this key fact does not register on my radar.
Jack and Jill: A Love Story
Let’s zoom in on a single story.
Jack goes out to fetch a pail of water.
He meets Jill.
There’s something about her.
Jack feels a spark.
The spark turns into a flame.
The flame into an inferno.
Suddenly Jacks a poet. Waxing lyrically about the hidden beauty in everything that surrounds us. How had he missed it for so long?
We’ve all been there.
Imagine life without Jill? Shit, Jack can’t even take a breath without thinking about her. And every thought of her causes his insides to squeeze like he’s perched at the precipice of the worlds tallest roller coaster.
How much influence does Jack have over this sweet agony that has caused wars, inspired poets, and vexed philosophers? Dismissing it as pure biological imperative undermines Jacks free will. But then again, who would willingly subject themselves to this craziness?
Jack NEEDs Jill to feel the same way. If she doesn’t… well, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. He watches old John Cusack movies, and makes play lists for Jill. He’ll do and say ANYTHING to convince her that he’s the one.
Happily enough for all involved…
Jill feels the same.
Big plans are made. And somewhere in the throes of this insanity (that will prove to be temporary), Jack and Jill promise their undying love and loyalty to each other.
From our seats, it’s pretty easy to see the motivation behind their promises, isn’t it? No one wants to be all the way out on the limb… when the person behind them has a saw.
The question is… do either of them really believe the others promise?
I know they want to. At least I always do. But, I also know that love is not something I command… (that’s what makes it special), and is therefor not something I can promise.
Imaginary security isn’t secure.
However, the promise to stay with someone until one of you dies is doable. This is the obligation theory of relationship. Your word is your bondage till the end of your days.
But “staying” with someone out of obligation is a significant downgrade from being bound by love. Do either of them really want that wild and free thing that they fell in love with to be there purely out of contractual obligation… if that is what it amounts to?
Do they care?
After all, it is the role they signed on for.
But… it’s also a situation that would be unthinkable to someone who really loved their “soulmate” as deeply as they claim to.
I know, it’s complicated. But only if one is thinking about the other.
The years pass. Jack and Jill have two teenage kids, a dog, and a cat named Rubber Mallet.
Jill dreamed of living in Argentina for a couple years. Jack shot that down.
Jack wanted to join the country club. Jill said no way.
Trekking in Nepal? No.
A Bentley? No.
Years of fulfilling the others expectations weigh heavy between them. Yes, they have each other’s best interests at heart, but the inferno has died. The flame too. Their relationship has become a quiet compromise. They live together more as co-dependents than paramours. Life without each other would be inconvenient now, but when they have the energy they can imagine it… and often do.
Often, in the quiet of their own spaces, they wonder what happened to their “one wild and precious life”.
Health and Well Being
Let’s zoom out and take a birds eye look at the game.
The Harvard Study is the longest running study on human health, well being, and longevity, ever. It’s been going on for more than 80 years.
One key finding of the study is that good relationships keep people happier and healthier.
Happy, healthy people live longer.
But findings like these are always a chicken and egg problem. Is it the relationships that make them happier and healthier? Or do happier, healthier people tend to have better relationships? (It’s surprisingly difficult to sort this stuff in studies)
The one thing that is sure, is when many people hear this news they become motivated to improve the relationships in their lives… so that they may live longer.
What If…
Not you. Right? You’re different. You’re not selfish. Not in the relationship game just for yourself. You actually care about people.
Let’s find out. We’ll play a game I call “what if”. I’ll throw some scenarios out… let’s see what you’d do.
First… the setup. You’ve been married for at least ten years. Your spouse has been a good one. That is to say they’ve been kind and considerate and supportive… and as far as you know, a loyal citizen. In other words, you’re happily – not ecstatically – but happily, married.
Are you ready?
Ok, here we go: You’re going through your bank statement and you see a curious auto-pay for $29.99, to a company you’re not familiar with. That’s odd, you don’t remember signing up for anything. Curious, you look at last months statement. It’s there too. And the previous months. Looking back, you find that this has been going on for over a year.
Thirty bucks is nothing to you… but, it’s the principle of the thing. You call your spouse and ask if they know what it is. They say they don’t but… your spidey sense tells you that they do.
You call the company making the charge.
Your spouse lied.
What happens? Are you mad? Do you confront them?
You’ve been married ten years. Hell yeah you confront them. A lie is a lie… or is it?
C’mon, you know it isn’t!
If this monthly charge is some thing that’s only for them, like a porn subscription or romance novel of the month club, there’s going to be hell to pay. But… if they put that thing you always wanted on layaway and are slowly, secretly, paying it off… that’s hella romantic.
In other words, it’s cool if they did for you, uncool if they didn’t.
Scenario 2: You call your spouse at work. They’re out. During this call you discover that your spouse has been leaving work every day at 2:00… for the last year.
You can’t believe it. They’ve been coming home at the same time. Why have they been leaving work early, and not cut you in on it?
A side note, I had a client who actually retired… without telling his wife. His reasoning was that she’d monopolize his newfound free time with to do lists. So he kept the same schedule. Instead of going to work he went to the gym, and played tennis and golf. His wife was happy with how healthy he was looking… until she discovered why. And he, honestly, couldn’t understand why she was mad.
Anyway, back to the game. Why does this bother you? After all, it’s their life… not yours. Are they not free to live it in any way they choose? Or, must their behavior conform to your standards?
I’m guessing that wherever you start your thinking with this one… too secretive, not partner-like enough, the bottom line will be that their life does indeed need to conform to your standards.
Ok. Last question. Your spouse hasn’t been slowly embezzling money, and their life conforms to your standards. But, you come home from work one day and catch them en flagrante dilecto with someone who is… well, not you.
(Before you lose it, let me just add that they had the decency to use the pullout bed in the study. Like I said… your spouse is perfect. Well, almost. You know what I mean…)
This little tryst you walked in on is not an affair. It’s a one time thing. The first one time thing your spouse has ever had. And if the terror on their face is any indicator… the last too.
What do you do?
At the VERY least they have to volunteer to clean the toilets at the nearest truck stop by hand… without gloves, for 10 years, right?
No, on second thought, that won’t cut it. They’re out.
Your trust is shattered. Plus, if you don’t kick ‘em to the curb, and this gets out, you’ll look like a fucking fool.
Ten years of solid citizenship destroyed by a single act. Does the asymmetry of that bother you? Or… does that even come into play?
It seems that all of us are but one situation away from being de-loved. That is a terrifying way for such an error prone species to live.
I’m guessing that your answers revealed your relationships are all about you. You’re no different than anyone else.
Neither am I. you’ll remember I gave my wife solo CPR for nearly 12 minutes. I remember wondering if I was doing what was best for her. But… only for a moment. I never considered stopping.
And… it worked out. No harm no foul, right? Even her family thanked me profusely. And those people fucking hate me.
But… for several days after the incident my wife had zero short term memory. She could not remember anything for more than a minute or two. Every few minutes she’d look at us in total surprise. “Oh, when did you guys get here?” We’d been there for hours.
It was creepy. But the kids thought it was hilarious. (She’d tell them to stop roughhousing, and they’d say, “but a couple of minutes ago you said we could.”)
The doctors assured us this was normal, and would go away. And it did. But until it did, the “what if it doesn’t” was always on our minds. She was scared. I was too.
One day she looked at me and asked… “why?”. She wasn’t asking me why she couldn’t remember. She was asking me why I brought her back.
I will NEVER forget that moment.
The True answer to her question came to me with fierce suddenness. I did it for me. I was terrified to be without her.
Saving her life might be the most selfish thing I’ve done.
She looked me directly in the eyes and made me promise that I would never do it again. Happily, she forgot we had the conversation, two minutes later. (I’m kidding)
Needful Things
We’re born alone.
We die alone.
We spend the intervening years trying not to be alone.
Romance, togetherness, two melding into one, saving someone, completing someone, bringing another to a higher level, being responsible for another’s life… these are all sacred myths, created by us.
The foundational Truth that lies at the heart of all of our relationships is that we are insincere.
We are needful things who use flowers and chocolates and thoughtful deeds and lyrics from poems, and love songs, and movies… and anything else we can think of as a means of convincing others to ease our loneliness, make us feel worthy… and attractive, validate us… answer the alarm of our biological clock, and help us live as long as possible.
Of course, every relationship undertaken with these motives will ultimately disappoint. Enough disappointment and one concludes that there are just no good people out there.
The problem isn’t out there, with “them”. It’s in here, with ourselves.
Our NEED for others makes us emotional puppets. Not living the lives we want to live. Also not living the lives others want us to live. We live the lives we think others want us to live.
This is as far from free as a person can be.
A person who wants to live doesn’t jump from tall structures… (usually) A person who wants to live their life in peace and freedom doesn’t play this game.
No one exists to complete you… or make you want to be a better person.
No one can truly handle the burden of someone else’s life.
You are only free to be You when others are free to be Them.